WHY I HATE DATES.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSS. STORY OF MY LIIIIIFE.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSS. STORY OF MY LIIIIIFE.
So I know you’re all just DYING to hear how Social Experiment Numero Tres went with Bert #2. Le sigh. I guess I’ll start at the beginning and try to make it quick, because there’s nothing more annoying than reading a rambling about some crazy stranger’s personal life.
Approached his car behind him. He’s standing outside the car, waiting to open the car door for me. Apparently I’ve dated kids off the street in the past because that little car door number was new for me, although it’s rather basic…speaks more for the idiots of the past than this dude, but whatever. First question when I got in the car: “how’s your semester going?” Because the one time we’ve talked in the last 3 years he was drunk at a bar remember? So yeah, had to start with the basics. He had Blink-182 playing in the car, which he totally saw me playing on Spotify like 10 minutes before I got in the car. Coincidence? I think not.
Ended up eating outside at a fairly nice restaurant. We ordered the exact same thing, turns out we both have strange food habits. PLAIN CHICKEN SANDWICHES ALL THE WAY YO. Dinner was fine, whatever. He talked about himself and his kickass summer internship forever. And then we talked about our drinking habits and drinks of choice, because that’s what you do when you’re of age and adult and whatever. His mom tells him he better be “guarding his heart”. WTF kind of mumbo-gumbo shit is that?! I don’t even know what that means…I guess that’s in relation to drinking, or drinking too much. How that translates, I don’t know. Just to let you know, there were no sparks. I know you were all sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear if I’d finally found someone normal so I can stop bitching on a blog, but SORRY GUYS. Dinner was fun, don’t get me wrong. It involved a lot of laughing on my part. He’s a radio announcer so he knows how to be theatrical and crap. aka not my type but I’ll totes laugh for hours and if that constitutes you thinking I like you than shit. We have a problem.
Eventually we decided to go, he wanted to know if I wanted to do something afterwards. Movie? I don’t have time for that. And I don’t want to become a effing petting zoo because we all know how that ends (see Bert #1). Ice cream? I could dig that. We got super messy ice cream cones and it was windy so of course my hair got all up in my business of eating. I broke the news to him that I don’t like chocolate and out came the quote of the night: “So what do guys get you on Valentine’s Day? A box of empty chocolates because they ate them all?” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Buddy, are you kidding?! That’s flattering, but I don’t have myself together enough to be conveniently dating a dude to get squat from a guy for Valentine’s Day. The only dude I get shit from on V Day is my dad. Hence why Singles Awareness Day aka SAD is always celebrated!! But of course I didn’t say that, so I said “Yeah pretty much! Or give me chocolates and I’ll just give it right back to you! Hahaha!” Wow. Pretty hilarious that these guys I date think I am SUCH A CATCH AND HAVE GUYS STANDING IN LINE A MILE LONG because that’s just not happening.
Anywho, after the messy cone made my hair in 50 knots and the sports conversations that totally blew him away because HOLY COW I know sports like very few females do and some might find that as weird but boy does it serve as good conversation when you can talk about how UNC won the NCAA basketball tourney in 2004 and totally not be making shit up, he drove me home. I think I made too quick of an exit and barely made eye contact with him as I got out of the car, how’s that for a sign I’m just not that into you, but whatever. I then texted him that Steve Jobs died while we were gone (OMG SO MUCH HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE COMPUTER) and thanks for a fun night. He then texts me that he had a great time too and he’d love to take me out again soon if I can stand him talking about his internship and how he’s an alcoholic again. lolz. So now I don’t know wtf I’m doing, because I’m just not that into him, but I obvs wanna be friends and whatever, but don’t want him to take it the wrong way if I agree to keep hanging out with him. At least I have my plan of ATTACK if he talks about taking it to the next step. ”Well, you’re awesome, but see I’m not totally over my exe yet……..” Solid excuse right?! Thanks asshole. I wonder how long I’ll have to say that until I actually find someone that knocks that excuse outta the ballpark.
This is/was EXACTLY my life.
“Sometimes I wish we just remained friends and never got together. That’s the risk you always take, isn’t it? By getting into a relationship with someone, you have the ability to experience everything with them, but you also have to understand that you could eventually have nothing to do with them. If we never dated, I wouldn’t be writing this. Instead, I would be at your house watching the television and feeling content being with my best friend.”
And there’s only one person I can picture it with. The only person I can’t/shouldn’t/won’t have it with. Don’t you just hate that?!
And on that note, I am heading out on a date, not with this person. Obviously my mind is in a great place right now. Eff you Camry.
“Three, we will have known each other a year this week; we met just a few days before both of our birthdays. We still plan to celebrate together this year, and yet the mental picture falls so far short of what it could’ve been. Unrequited love is for chumps, and so I’ve become the passive friend, bursting with affection and yet staunchly unwilling to show it. Let me tell you, playing it cool sucks, and there’s nothing fun about this emotional paralysis when comparing it to our relationship, which was full of highs and lows. I hate constantly remembering the past, but I hate even more that we have no real future.”
every detail of this paragraph is me.
5 Things You Can’t Do on a First Date!!!!! Whew, good thing I’m going back a million pages to see every blog article ever about dating.
“You are an even-tempered butterfly, not another crazy single person! This is performance art, bitch!”
Where to find (and not find) the “good men” (if they do indeed exist). WHAT?! It’s not going to be at a shady bar or night club?!?
Why am I reading these blog posts. They are making me seriously bawl. CAMRY SUCK IT UP. Like, seriously, do I WANT to be a pathetic, clinically insane, hot mess?! This one started out sounding like Bert #2 and then it shifted. Shifted to the Asshole, of course. Because this is how I felt exactly a year ago. And that makes me break like a twig inside. Truly does. And the last sentence of this is bringing tears to my eyes because exactly what this author was afraid of is what happened to me.
Because my wheels are constantly turning like a hamster in a wheel and I don’t have time to go on meaningless dates, I have been dreading my upcoming dinner date aka Social Experiment Numero Tres. But this radical blog/article made me feel a little bit more at ease about it, and realized “FUCK! I’m in college! When else can I go on meaningless dates?! Just watch out for those things called feelings…” So I’m getting on my Casual Dating Pants.
And then read THIS: Metaphors for dating bahahahahahahaha. So true.