Playing With Fire

Kind of what I feel 99% of the time I am talking to dudes for...

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 01:06:18 -0400

Kind of what I feel 99% of the time I am talking to dudes for longer than 5 minutes.

YES. (this does not include the people that pursue me that...

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 02:29:37 -0400

YES. (this does not include the people that pursue me that I’m not interested in. Only legitimate options yo!)

WHY I HATE DATES.

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 12:10:05 -0400

MUAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSS. STORY OF MY LIIIIIFE.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-unbearable-anxiety-of-dates/

i promise i'm not depressed.

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 06:06:05 -0400

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-it-hurt-when-you-rejected-me/

but these are so good. and explain effed up feelings so well. i’m not dwelling in the past. promise. but this was me. and i bet it’s you too. and if it’s not, watch out sister. because it will be.

the second time.

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 21:49:00 -0400

this.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-second-time-you-fall-in-love-with-someone/

I know this has become a place to stockpile my favorite Thought Catalog articles. Deal with it. You should be reading all of them because I wouldn’t post them if they weren’t out of this world. I am not going back 100’s of pages for nothing.

10/6: Some things I think about (part 8)

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 17:35:00 -0400

10/6: Some things I think about (part 8) :

tensix:

Hating cats is the new black.

If your boyfriend buys you shoes, he also just bought an admission pass to get in your pants. That’s just how it works, I can’t explain it. I don’t even need to explain it.

Your ex is your ex, your SO is your SO. Stop being a fucking bitchlett and move on….

“Your ex is your ex, your SO is your SO. Stop being a fucking bitchlett and move on. I’m serious. You will still be able to love someone (read: as much as if not more than your ex). Love isn’t something that you use up. It doesn’t expire, so tune down the melodrama. Some day some guy is gonna get in your pants and you will probably love him in ways you didn’t love the ex. Get a hobby. Hit the gym. Buy a puppy. And be the goddamn badass that you are when you’re not cowering in fear of never being loved again. You disgust me.”

Boom. I love her.

Story. Of. My. Life. [i hope i'm not alone.]

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 04:03:46 -0400

Story. Of. My. Life. [i hope i'm not alone.]

I WANT THIS. PLEASE.

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 23:48:03 -0400

I WANT THIS. PLEASE.

le sigh. Social Experiment Numero Tres.

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:59:00 -0400

So I know you’re all just DYING to hear how Social Experiment Numero Tres went with Bert #2. Le sigh. I guess I’ll start at the beginning and try to make it quick, because there’s nothing more annoying than reading a rambling about some crazy stranger’s personal life.

Approached his car behind him. He’s standing outside the car, waiting to open the car door for me. Apparently I’ve dated kids off the street in the past because that little car door number was new for me, although it’s rather basic…speaks more for the idiots of the past than this dude, but whatever. First question when I got in the car: “how’s your semester going?” Because the one time we’ve talked in the last 3 years he was drunk at a bar remember? So yeah, had to start with the basics. He had Blink-182 playing in the car, which he totally saw me playing on Spotify like 10 minutes before I got in the car. Coincidence? I think not.

Ended up eating outside at a fairly nice restaurant. We ordered the exact same thing, turns out we both have strange food habits. PLAIN CHICKEN SANDWICHES ALL THE WAY YO. Dinner was fine, whatever. He talked about himself and his kickass summer internship forever. And then we talked about our drinking habits and drinks of choice, because that’s what you do when you’re of age and adult and whatever. His mom tells him he better be “guarding his heart”. WTF kind of mumbo-gumbo shit is that?! I don’t even know what that means…I guess that’s in relation to drinking, or drinking too much. How that translates, I don’t know. Just to let you know, there were no sparks. I know you were all sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear if I’d finally found someone normal so I can stop bitching on a blog, but SORRY GUYS. Dinner was fun, don’t get me wrong. It involved a lot of laughing on my part. He’s a radio announcer so he knows how to be theatrical and crap. aka not my type but I’ll totes laugh for hours and if that constitutes you thinking I like you than shit. We have a problem.

Eventually we decided to go, he wanted to know if I wanted to do something afterwards. Movie? I don’t have time for that. And I don’t want to become a effing petting zoo because we all know how that ends (see Bert #1). Ice cream? I could dig that. We got super messy ice cream cones and it was windy so of course my hair got all up in my business of eating. I broke the news to him that I don’t like chocolate and out came the quote of the night: “So what do guys get you on Valentine’s Day? A box of empty chocolates because they ate them all?” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Buddy, are you kidding?! That’s flattering, but I don’t have myself together enough to be conveniently dating a dude to get squat from a guy for Valentine’s Day. The only dude I get shit from on V Day is my dad. Hence why Singles Awareness Day aka SAD is always celebrated!! But of course I didn’t say that, so I said “Yeah pretty much! Or give me chocolates and I’ll just give it right back to you! Hahaha!” Wow. Pretty hilarious that these guys I date think I am SUCH A CATCH AND HAVE GUYS STANDING IN LINE A MILE LONG because that’s just not happening.

Anywho, after the messy cone made my hair in 50 knots and the sports conversations that totally blew him away because HOLY COW I know sports like very few females do and some might find that as weird but boy does it serve as good conversation when you can talk about how UNC won the NCAA basketball tourney in 2004 and totally not be making shit up, he drove me home. I think I made too quick of an exit and barely made eye contact with him as I got out of the car, how’s that for a sign I’m just not that into you, but whatever. I then texted him that Steve Jobs died while we were gone (OMG SO MUCH HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE COMPUTER) and thanks for a fun night. He then texts me that he had a great time too and he’d love to take me out again soon if I can stand him talking about his internship and how he’s an alcoholic again. lolz. So now I don’t know wtf I’m doing, because I’m just not that into him, but I obvs wanna be friends and whatever, but don’t want him to take it the wrong way if I agree to keep hanging out with him. At least I have my plan of ATTACK if he talks about taking it to the next step. ”Well, you’re awesome, but see I’m not totally over my exe yet……..” Solid excuse right?! Thanks asshole. I wonder how long I’ll have to say that until I actually find someone that knocks that excuse outta the ballpark.

Why do bloggers have to word things so damn perfectly?!

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 20:04:00 -0400

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/my-ex-hates-me/

This is/was EXACTLY my life.

“Sometimes I wish we just remained friends and never got together. That’s the risk you always take, isn’t it? By getting into a relationship with someone, you have the ability to experience everything with them, but you also have to understand that you could eventually have nothing to do with them. If we never dated, I wouldn’t be writing this. Instead, I would be at your house watching the television and feeling content being with my best friend.”

"You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your..."

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 23:19:34 -0400

“You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.”

- Steve Jobs (2005 Stanford Commencent Speech)

I want this.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:16:49 -0400

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/i-want-to-snuggle-with-you/

And there’s only one person I can picture it with. The only person I can’t/shouldn’t/won’t have it with. Don’t you just hate that?!

And on that note, I am heading out on a date, not with this person. Obviously my mind is in a great place right now. Eff you Camry.

no comment.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 12:21:05 -0400

“Three, we will have known each other a year this week; we met just a few days before both of our birthdays. We still plan to celebrate together this year, and yet the mental picture falls so far short of what it could’ve been. Unrequited love is for chumps, and so I’ve become the passive friend, bursting with affection and yet staunchly unwilling to show it. Let me tell you, playing it cool sucks, and there’s nothing fun about this emotional paralysis when comparing it to our relationship, which was full of highs and lows. I hate constantly remembering the past, but I hate even more that we have no real future.”

every detail of this paragraph is me.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/thoughts-on-hooking-up-with-my-ex-boyfriend/

GOOD THING I FOUND THIS.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 06:07:05 -0400

5 Things You Can’t Do on a First Date!!!!! Whew, good thing I’m going back a million pages to see every blog article ever about dating.

“You are an even-tempered butterfly, not another crazy single person! This is performance art, bitch!”

http://www.tumblr.com/tumblelog/weplaywithfires/new/text

Alright this one is a little happier.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 04:50:00 -0400

Where to find (and not find) the “good men” (if they do indeed exist). WHAT?! It’s not going to be at a shady bar or night club?!?

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/where-the-good-guys-are-a-guided-tour/

Why am I doing this.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 01:34:32 -0400

Why am I reading these blog posts. They are making me seriously bawl. CAMRY SUCK IT UP. Like, seriously, do I WANT to be a pathetic, clinically insane, hot mess?! This one started out sounding like Bert #2 and then it shifted. Shifted to the Asshole, of course. Because this is how I felt exactly a year ago. And that makes me break like a twig inside. Truly does. And the last sentence of this is bringing tears to my eyes because exactly what this author was afraid of is what happened to me.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-i-pretend-i-dont-like-you-like-that/

In preparation for Social Experiment Numero Tres:

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 01:18:00 -0400

Because my wheels are constantly turning like a hamster in a wheel and I don’t have time to go on meaningless dates, I have been dreading my upcoming dinner date aka Social Experiment Numero Tres. But this radical blog/article made me feel a little bit more at ease about it, and realized “FUCK! I’m in college! When else can I go on meaningless dates?! Just watch out for those things called feelings…” So I’m getting on my Casual Dating Pants.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-its-okay-to-date-people-you-dont-have-strong-feelings-for/

And then read THIS: Metaphors for dating bahahahahahahaha. So true.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/5-metaphors-for-dating/

Just not that into you.

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:32:00 -0400

So here’s the dealio on the main players of PLAYING WITH FIRE. (I’m sorry my latest posts have been situational about my life. You guys should totally send me topics to write about because If there’s anything Camry can do well, it’s state her fucking opinion about something.)

- Asshole: Still living and breathing. He says he’s “very single”. Whatever. Still capable of making me laugh, which I totally loath him for. Still cryptic as ever. He’s also been working out lately, “getting ripped”. I have yet to see him at the gym, where he supposedly goes “everyday”. The day I get to watch him lift weights with all his fellow “ripped” compadres suffering from Short Man’s Syndrome because they are 5’6” and can’t make the effing football team, will be a day I cherish FOREVERRRR. Not because he gets to see Camry sweating fucking bullets on the elliptical (eww sicko), but because watching him hotshot it in front of sorority girls will be soooo entertaining. I WANT MY TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW.

- Bert: Remember him?! That awkward movie date turn social experiment that began this blog?! Yeah, hasn’t spoken to me since I didn’t reciprocate his petting zoo ways while we watched a movie on his couch. I watched, Bert touched/petted, Asshole/Ernie sat in his room playing music. Awkward sauce. Never got the chance to tell Bert I just wasn’t that into him… Guess he got the picture. Never called me back. Became asshole #2.

- And now we have Bert #2: Who ironically has the same real name as Bert #1. And it’s ironically a similar scenario. Worked together 3 years ago. Reunited at a bar. (Apparently what I’ve resorted to to pick up guys. Thumbs up for Camry.) Spoke for like 5 minutes. He proceeds to message me for my number so he can “text me when he’s going downtown next”. Smooooth. He’s been begging me to come sing karaoke with him at a bar. Haven’t done that yet, but we are skipping the “coffee date” stage as I’m going on a dinner date with him this week. Ha. Quicker mover. I have not spoken to him when he’s sober, in person. Thing is buddy, I’m just not that into you. BUT GUESS WHAT THIS MEANS!!!!! SOCIAL EXPERIMENT NUMERO TRES!!!! Honestly dreading this except for the fact I can blog about it afterwards. That’s pathetic.

**so I got a new book for 30 cents today at a book sale. Called “He’s just not that into you” bahahahaha. About excuses guys use and when to see that he’s just not that into you. And empowering girls that, guess what? We are fantastic. It’s premise is that we should not have to ask guys out…they should be asking us because we are THAT FUCKING GOOD. I don’t know if I 100% agree with that pile of self-empowering mumbo-jumbo shit, but whatever. I’ll be sharing tips from the book in the coming weeks because it sounds like it needs Camry Commentary.

Because maybe...

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 10:34:00 -0400

Because maybe I miss you. I can’t even say this out loud. It’s rather pathetic I can tell strangers on a blog but WHATEVER. But this revelation scares the SHIT out of me. Because after all the crap (read earlier posts) that’s happened with you, asshole, how can I be at a place where I’m willing to look past all that and have this crazed emotion that I could actually miss you rather than want to punch your brains out. I must be delusional. That’s the only answer. And it’s not in the relationship way necessarily… it’s more I just miss having you around, hanging out. But my mind is pretending like nothing has changed, and so much has. Like the revelation you wanted to get in my pants preeeeeetty much right after meeting me. God, Boys are so stupid. And the sad part is you probably aren’t missing me at all. The little bit of pride I get is that I know I’m still on your mind. The Most Vivid Dream Ever aka sex dream staring me that’s never happened with anyone else….like someone you’ve actually effed up in bed. The late night texts saying you have a question for me and then being too much of a coward to ask it. I cling to one of my favorite Killers lyrics of the asshole and I’s favorite song…I knew it meant something powerful when he introduced me to it, but now the meaning is becoming more understood: ”It ain’t hard to hold when it shines like gold. You’ll remember me.”

Apparently it was hard to hold on to me. But I knew you’d remember.

Sorry this is a series of Depression 101 posts. You should probably spread the word about how awesome Camry’s blog is and to follow meeeeee to bring my spirits up. Just saying. :)

370 days later.

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 02:11:59 -0400

Sometimes, time doesn’t always heal a broken heart. It only allows us to deal with the pain.

I know I’m being cryptic. Deal with it. 370 days since “it” all started, and I’m trying to accept the fact that the above statement is true at times. And it suuuucks. But it really makes you study yourself and ask “WTF is going on with you pathetic heap of emotions?! Is there something CLINICALLY wrong with you?!” And the only place I can answer that honestly is in my head. Having guilt and shame for your feelings is complete shit because guess what?! You can’t control them!! They run like a wild wildebeest giddy over the sight of whatever the hell wild wildebeests eat.

And some things/situations/people just make a tattoo on your heart without your effing consent. ”Hey so I’m gonna ink you with all the amazing things about me, and tattoos are permanent suckaaaa! Unless you wanna pay millions in money and pain, you’re just gonna have to deal with it when I walk out on you! Cool?” We attempt to remove the tattoos over time but it hurts too much. So we learn to deal with the pain of seeing the tattoo everyday, although that’s almost more painful than removing it all together.

I know these analogies are a stretch. But it’s my thought-process (crazy and random, can’t you tell?) as I learn to deal with the pain… Forever? After 370 days, nothing is convincing me otherwise.